All bank robberies are not created equal.
Personally, I prefer my heist stories with a pinch of panache.
Apropos, per a Department of Justice press release, a thief in Lubbock, Texas was recently sentenced.
According to the report, Eric Dion Warren pleaded guilty in August to stealing from a Wolfforth AIM Bank.
Evidently, he walked up to the window with a note and a paper fast-food bag.
The message, exactly as written:
“This is a f—— robbery. Play with me and die. I want $10,000 in 50 and 100 dollar bills now you got 1 minute or I will kill you.”
Eric then brandished what was apparently a pistol.
He told the teller, “I ain’t playing around, I only want 100’s and 50’s.”
She collected the cash, which included strapped $20 bills.
Printed upon those Andrew Jacksons: recorded serial numbers.
The teller stuck the stash in his sack, after which Eric warned, “Don’t push any buttons.”
And away he went — with thousands of dirty dollars.
But the backstory, perhaps, is more interesting than the crime.
As it turns out, the convict’s a fan of luxury automobiles.
Earlier, he’d dropped by a dealership and picked out a black BMW.
While the dealership worked up the sale, Eric was lent a loaner car.
Surely with visions of that beautiful Beamer leading the way, the soon-to-be new car owner headed to the bank in his dealership loaner — presumably with dealership tags — to steal the money to make his down payment to buy a car from that same dealership.
Fifteen minutes following the felony, he returned to a certain purveyor of fine German machinery with a fist full of funds, waving the wad in the air.
A transfer of ownership was imminent.
In the finance office, Eric handed over 3,000 Big Ones.
Down payment, done.
Unfortunately for the car customer, while he was readying to rock the new ride, a dealership employee received a call.
The reason for the ring: news of a bank robbery.
That staffer realized the vehicle’s description matched the one Eric had borrowed.
Fast forward past a quick call to the cops, and the pending purchaser was arrested with $5,086 in lifted loot.
The serial numbers, of course, confirmed he’d committed the crime.
Additionally, law enforcement discovered a painted pellet gun approximately 10 feet from where he was apprehended.
Proof was further powered by the twin engines of both a fingerprint and DNA match.
Of course, if you’ have to choose betwen robbing a bank and not, the latter is always advised.
But I have to hand it to him: The guy did it with daring.
The convicted culprit was sentenced to 20 years in a federal penitentiary.
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